online dating eliminates an aspect of “the game” because people are actually open and direct about what they want.  on the profile you fill out you normally specify what you are looking for: friendship, long-term dating, short-term dating, fooling around, etc. could you imagine if in real life two people meet at a bar and before engaging in any kind of conversation or sexual activity, they discuss if they would be ‘willing to relocate for a relationship’? or if they are planning on having children eventually?

the idea is preposterous.  the point of meeting at a bar is to be coy and playful, to flirt with the possibility of a future encounter. in online dating, people come clean with desires.  most of the men i’ve met are more than happy to discuss their feelings about long-term dating or what they are looking for in a women. no surprises, no tricks, no  games.  no games.  that’s what i wanted, and that’s why i started this quest to find men online. but the thing is, i’ve discovered sadly, the people who don’t want games just aren’t that interesting. am i just falling into the category of those predictable and damaged girls who always go after the “bad boy,” the guy that makes you feel like shit at the end of the day? am i that girl who secretly craves some form of sweet, subtle abuse and can’t get off without it? <sigh> i don’t want to believe that’s true because i have always felt like i could be attracted to genuinely nice dudes. it’s just that when i am on a date with someone with a clear agenda, it feels like we are in a vacuum.  there’s too much sterility to breed any real attraction.

my roommate told me that she feels that online dating takes “the magic” out of things. i don’t exactly agree with that term ‘magic’ because i’m more of a realist, but i do think that there’s a certain spontaneity and uncertainty in the beginnings of a relationship that is necessary for good chemistry.  room for life. that’s kind of what online dating eliminates.

i often wonder  what i would think of these men if i met them in “real life.”  what if that guy i went to dinner with last week was someone who lived down the hall from me freshman year in college? what if the quiet, reserved guy who didn’t catch my interest  was someone i met in a classroom and heard him vocalize his opinions?  would i feel the same way about them? probably not. i think i could very well kindle some kind of desire for them after seeing them in their natural element.  the texture of daily life would expose the different natures of their personalities, without the pressures and directed goals of dating, allowing some kind of “magic” to blossom when you least expect it.

let’s start with the wberg mystery man date.

he had received his masters in london in philosophy. he was living ‘the poor artist’s dream,’ which means temping and working on his first screenplay. he was in brooklyn because he didn’t like the ‘nervous energy hanging over manhattan’. yes, yes, and yes, i was thinking.. oh, how predictable i am.

he was tall and soft spoken and attractive with dark hair and bright eyes. he was (over)educated (i like that) and  what he referred to as his multiple useless degrees made him even more attractive.

the meeting place he chose was a quiet hipster-esque cafe with organic scones and pamphlets advertising for film fests and electronic concerts. we discussed a range of topics including the creative process of working on his first screenplay to previous bad okcupid dates we had gone on. he told me about the strange or uninteresting girls he met. apparently, after one of them expressed interest in him online, he politely turned her down, telling her he was flattered by her message but just was not interested. she responded by telling everyone on the website he got her pregnant and motivated everyone to spam his website, which they did for weeks.

i took this story as a sign that i did not call into the category of potential crazy spammers.  i thought this was a good sign. after what was probably an hour, he hadn’t look at his watch or check his cell phone once (i was guilty of that, but i don’t think i can go for more than 20 minutes without checking for texts or emails no matter who i’m with … it’s a bad addiction that shows a restlessness and an inability to focus on immediate surroundings, but i think that it’s an ADD affliction most modern city-dwelling young people suffer from and therefore acknowledge as universally okay to check your phone on a date).

at the end of the date, we parted our separate ways. i was taking the train up to manhattan (i felt categorically less cool for this) and he was walking back to his bk apartment. the departure was a bit awkward because i tried to say something like “see you around” or “maybe we should meet up for another decaf tea” but he kind of just kept walking, gave a little smile and with hesitation took his hand out of his pocket for a second to give a half hearted wave.  hmm. strange.

i didn’t hear from him the next day. i thought maybe his silence was a sign of shyness or something along those lines. maybe he was the kind of guy who liked to be contacted first.  i decided to text him. he didn’t respond for a few hours. i decided to take the path of directness and honesty.

i said: ”hey, if you’re not interested, it’s cool, i’ll understand.”

he wrote back almost immediately.

he said: “yeah, i don’t normally feel the click with people i normally want to date.”

the tone he was using was the same tone he described in the email he sent to the crazy girl, when he had said ‘i’m flattered by your message, but sorry, i’m not interested.’

i said: “okay, thanks for being honest. i promise i won’t spam your inbox” … just to make sure i was differentiated out of the category of crazy spammer … but his neutral tone, his apathy, his nearly holier-than-thou attitude without having a holier-than-thou attitude almost made me want to get some kind of revenge. it was funny, but i almost felt like i could be reduced to one of those crazy girls you hear stories about.

tonight, i was explaining okcupid to a friend of mine. i told him how i have grown to become experienced at this site because i am good at judging how someone’s online profile will translate to their actual character in real life. you can’t take the profile for face value, because there is always something lost in the translation of the web. i can understand how meaning and intention is skewed when you try to be witty while listing your favorite past time activities, or how photos can either flatter or understate a person’s looks. i get how the image and the object relate to one another. in other words, i’m a good judge of character.

five minutes later, i found out that this is completely false and maybe my mother (for once) said something spot on. i was showing a bunch of my friends a new person i was interested in. we were all sitting on my couch with my pc on my lap. this man attracted me because he seemed mature and intellectual and eclectic and charming.  he had a nice smile and read good books. but he mentioned the word ‘coitus’ more than once in his profile. my friend mentioned that but i just wrote it off as him being straightforward and funny, honest about his interest in sex. mature enough to talk about sex and how he enjoys it.

then we got to the pictures. as i scrolled down the page, we saw various close up photos  of a smiling, large face. my other friend started to say something about how his smile was a bit  creepy but i cut her off, telling her she was being too harsh and it was just charming. and it was the timing that made that so perfect, as if the universe was trying to speak to me, because the moment those words escaped my mouth, we got to the last picture, which was a picture of his genitalia, erect and proud, basking in the glory of being public on the internet.

1) i am about to meet someone in williamsburg, but i don’t know who. we have arranged a meeting place and a time for tonight.  i must have given this person my email address through okcupid, because he emailed my personal email address. and i forget who it is. my rationale for going is that i must have liked him enough to give out my email in the first place, so what the hell, i’ll have an adventure in wburg and be surprised with a mystery date. i need some excitement anyway. what’s the worse i can lose anyway – a train ride?

2) recently someone texted me trying to organize a date. i canceled last minute because i was … lazy. you’ve heard me start to complain about online dating already, but i have to tell you, i am really getting tired of this. and yet i continue. i don’t know why i want to keep going but something tells me i should. maybe it’s so i can write funny things on this blog and make fun of myself. or maybe it’s just because i still harbor a tiny but persistent seed that this could work one day, if i keep trying. or maybe i’m bored and need distraction. whatever.

anyway, when he asked when a good time to reschedule was i answered “the 22nd of petunia.” as you know, i find this kind of thing funny.

how do i feel? like i wasted a lot of time. but i also learned a lot. i learned about the mechanisms of these sites and how they work (and how there is definitely a hierarchy among sites in my opinion). i learned how most guys are shy and nervous and boyish who join these sites. or maybe it’s just guys in general. i learned that people want to be liked. i learned that most of the guys who frequent these sites just moved to new york. i learned that these people dont want to be alone.

RANDOM SIDE NOTE: you know the way a smell and a memory can be strongly linked? well, whenever i come across really good weed, i am always suddenly taken back to high school. i think that’s when i got the most quality stuff out.

people have non-jewish friends who will pretend to be jewish just so they can join the site. i’ve heard countless stories of jdates ending up in marriage. if you’re at a cocktail party and mention you’re on jdate, no eyebrows will be raised. but mention craigslist or okcupid and you’re suddenly the weirdo. what about being jewish makes online dating okay?!

i just signed up. i couldn’t take it seriously. all those photos were very jewish looking people hugging each other and looking so happy, presumably over the fact that they will now be able to raise their kids jewish.

the site is laughable in many ways. i clicked on the first guy i saw to figure out how the functions work. he was reasonable looking, so i decided to ‘send him a flirt.’ upon choosing this option, i am presented with a list of pre-written messages i am allowed to send him. below, copied and pasted, are the choices:

i decided to go with “i’d like a shot a sweeping you off your feet.’ i wonder what a jewish guy will think about a comment like that.

i have met a total of four very nice guys in person (lucky for me, at least they WERE all nice), and many more who are interested in me online. none of them have been mildly attractive to me in person. i just blocked someone on the chat feature on okcupid from being able to instant message me. this guy was a very decent, gentlemanly guy. he brought me homemade cookies he made with his grandmother on our date. he wanted to walk across the brooklyn bridge and get pizza and ice cream on the other side (i foiled his plan; i was too lazy and unwilling to commit that much time to him). he was sweet. and i blocked him because he was IMing me and i didn’t want to tell him i didn’t want to speak to him, ever again. the internet is turning me into a bitch.

but i have realized that these dates have started to feel like obligations, like i owe these people something, like i am doing them a favor. and this is not how dating should be. i had to drag myself to show up to my date last night. all i wanted to do was curl up in my comfy bed with my robe, drink a cup of tea, and watch something on netflix or hulu. but no, i had to go out on the early Fall cold (the worst kind of cold, because it’s the kind of cold you don’t want to concede to just yet) and give a clueless, eager, clumsy midwesterner boy directions for how to get to an address downtown that he’d never heard of. then i had to imbibe a drink with him while making conversation. of course, in any other circumstance, i wouldn’t feel some sort of obligation to be entertaining or engaging or fun. but for some reason i felt like i had to give him a chance because i had been enthusiastic online about meeting him. after we both rated each other highly on okcupid, we chatted a bit, had some good conversation (he certainly was a good conversationalist online – i’m learning there’s an art to having a good online presence) and i thought he was a funny guy. but the night of the date, i found myself looking at his profile again with a more critical eye.

‘that stance is weird and awkward. those clothes don’t fit him right. what’s he doing in that photo?’

then we spoke on the phone. his voice was that typical friendly, shy, eager voice you hear from boys who mean well but are just too … out of town?

so we shared our glass of wine, i obliged myself to make conversation with him, and once again, i slipped home stealthily (or not so stealthily) home once i had taken my last sip. on these dates, i always make sure to set the pace of how fast i drink. if i drink too slowly, then they most likely will follow my lead, and we could potentially be there for hours. if i drink a little faster, then they want to keep up with me, and the quicker i can get the hell outta there (robe, tea, netflix, bed).

the glass of wine or the gin and soda has become my hourglass. as the liquid goes down, the time expires. i need to time it just right though – if i guzzle down the drink, then it just seems plain rude or like i’m some alcoholic. of course, it doesn’t really matter what these guys think of me, but for some reason i always like to make a decent impression, no matter how much i never ever want to see them again. i think it’s because i’m a nice person.

sadly, i’m kind of serious about that comment.

let me explain. on okcupid, you rate other members by giving them stars (one to five). if you both rate each other four stars or higher, a message gets sent to both of you to acknowledge this. this makes things less awkward and easy to start a conversation with someone. i spent a lot (a lot) of time on okcupid nowadays just going through guys, just rating them. maybe i do it because it’s kind of a mindless and vaguely productive activity. or maybe it’s empowering, because i feel like i can judge men, and ruthlessly too. if a guy is unattractive, has a weird pose, or sounds lame and boring on his profile, i will quickly and without hesitation give him a one star. it’s kind of satisfying.

so my brain has gotten so used to seeing men’s faces and having a quick, immediate reaction to them (to be efficient of course, and get through as many guys as possible and increase my chances of finding someone i like) that at the concert last night i could NOT control my rating system! it was actually kind of a nuisance. i wanted to be able to relax and have a good time but it’s like some uncontrollable rating system switch in my brain was flipped on. every person out there is suddenly a potential lover.

so, from what you’ve read so far, i’m sure you can tell i have been thoroughly enjoying myself on okcupid. the site attracts guys who are more casual, youthful, and liberal than that nonsense eharmony crap and it’s more encouraging of spontaneous conversations. i still get emails from them and i assume i will for the next three months. sure, i could cancel my membership, but i can’t get my money back, and i’m a cheap jew.

i have five dates lined up for me so far. i have been on two. let me tell you about them.

the first one was married. i found this out at the end of the date. he and his wife ‘have not officially gotten the divorce papers yet’ whatever that means. either way, i wasn’t disappointed because i wasn’t interested. he was highly literary and intellectual which is my kinda guy, free thinking, philosophical, etc. but he was small. really, really small. and had a high pitched voice. and you could tell he was kind of neurotic. his photos on okcupid were deceiving. he made me promise him another date and i felt kind of put on the spot and guilty (he bought my dinner at a fancy restaurant) so i said yes. but i am not going to do that. i don’t like to lead people on.

the second one was last night. after the concert, i was plastered. it was about 1am but we had made vague plans to possible meet up after the concert and after his friend’s birthday party. so he texted me when he got out and we met halfway between our neighborhoods. oh, my, god, i was plastered. i had been in my PJ’s already when he called but i was the kind of drunk where if i lay down and closed my eyes i’d get the spins and then get nauseous, which i hate. and i was feeling kind of adventurous and spontaneous. i get that way when i’m drunk. so i threw on some mismatched outfit and ventured into the world, alone and drunk, to meet a strange man i met online. how responsible of me!

i don’t remember our greeting but he was awkward. he had potential to be handsome (in fact, he was quite handsome) but his awkwardness negated the possibility of any type of physical attraction towards him. i wasn’t going to turn around and leave then so we agreed to get a drink. i wanted to go to the quickest place to get this thing over with (why did i go out at 1 in the morning when i had work the next day again?). we wander into some trendy bar. he seemed all shocked and impressed that i even knew about it. another big, big turn off. ‘is this like some secret place you know about? how’d you hear about it?’ it is actually pretty famous. so he ordered a gin and tonic, i ordered … a water. i was too drunk for anything. then we sat down, side by side, on a bench, not really looking at each other and not really talking. he was too shy to talk and i was too drunk and bored to make conversation. i gulped down my water, thirsty, and then i went home.

the rest of the dates do look slightly more promising but i am getting a bit disheartened. it’s kind of exhausting meeting so many people and going on so many dates too. they kind of all blur together after a while. i’m having a hard time keeping track of who is who. i should buy myself a dry erase board for potential date candidates and write down all their info so i don’t get all mixed up (it’s happened already, embarrassingly enough).

okcupid has a neat feature that allows you to compare your projected compatibility with the person’s profile you’re viewing. when someone instant messages you, you can see what percentage friend and, what percentage “enemy” you are with that person. of course, this is just based on the multiple choices they ask.

recent convo i had with someone who IMed me online:

dude: hey, whats up?

me: you are 58% enemy. sorry.

dude: it doesn’t mean much.

me: i do what the internet tells me to do.

i thought that was funny.

yep, that’s right,  i was somehow foolish enough to put in a hundred bucks (the minimum i could pay for a three month subscription, which is the minimum period of time one can purchase) into this thing. i receive about 15 emails a day from them telling me about my new match who is probably some hick loser in oregon. i found out that most people who use eharmony are lame bible lovers. their in house dr, ‘dr warren’ is apparently a practicing evangelist. i should have done my research beforehand. but i am young and impatient and need instant gratification, so i’m a hundred bucks out.

i’m going to give okcupid a shot and see how that is. from what i understand so far, okcupid seems to be the younger, more liberal, hip version of an online dating site. there’s something about eharmony that just felt too….safe. too moderated. dr warren is just a lame – o. how else can i put it. the questions on okcupid (i’m answering them now) are much more geared towards figuring out how liberal and tolerant you are. eharmony was more vague. i think it’s just geared towards a different kind of audience. for example, on okcupid there was a questino about marijuana use. there would NEVER be any mention of anything like that on eharmony – i think it’s assumed that most of the users (or at least the users dr warren wants to attract) are pretty straight edge and those questions would be irrelevant.

i just answered the question “do you think drug use with your partner can be a romantic activity?” ah, home at last.

secondly, they are totally backwards and conservative with their assumptions. as far as i am aware, there is no option for same sex dating. as if everyone who went to an ivy league is of a certain caliber and therefore above being gay. at least that’s how i read it. i’m not gay, but this offends me anyway.

they are also COMPLETELY adamant that you have attended “one of their schools” that they have carefully handpicked and are confident has ‘the right kind of people,’ i guess.  you actually need to send them a copy of your diploma to join.

oh, god. i can’t wait to meet these prepster douce bags.